


Afraid

by straykilled



Series: Lean on me [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Isolation, M/M, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Self-Hatred, author projecting onto their characters because this is how i cope, slight soonhoon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:21:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24559846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/straykilled/pseuds/straykilled
Summary: Wonwoo struggles with his schoolwork due to his deteriorating mental health and challenging worldwide events happening.
Relationships: Jeon Wonwoo/Wen Jun Hui | Jun
Series: Lean on me [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2110464
Comments: 3
Kudos: 40





	Afraid

Ever since universities and schools worldwide stopped meeting through physical classes due to the pandemic, students have been cooped inside their homes struggling to do schoolwork, as if they didn’t have enough problems to worry about. It’s been exactly 3 months ever since and nothing has improved. 2020 was gradually getting worse, each month bringing a different curse upon humanity. 

Wonwoo was on his final semester in college before all this shitstorm all went down, somehow hoping he could make it through and actually motivated for once to do well in his studies so that he can finally graduate and escape hell (read: college). It just seems though that nothing is going right this year, with all the forest fires and volcanoes erupting at the start of year. He winced a bit, regretting the fact that he tweeted an All Time Low lyric a few months ago that might have set this off (or in Wonwoo’s mind it might as well have). He scrolled through his tweets looking for it, letting out a soft _aha!_ when he found it, careful not to wake his slumbering roommate. It read “Maybe it’s not my weekend, but it’s gonna be my year” which he tweeted when he felt particularly hopeful about the future and the rest of the year. He quickly deleted it, definitely convinced that his tweet jinxed the whole year.

He was actually thankful that most of his classes opted to mass promote which earned him a PASS and that means he doesn’t need to think about that subject anymore and redirect his attention to his more unfortunate subjects. At first he was quite hopeful that maybe his harder subjects would pass all the students too, but surely university was hell, and everyone must suffer. So he still has to work for those along with his unedited and barely completed thesis. He cursed his shitty skills in math, his economics and statistics subjects suffering because of it.

There are days when he feels somehow hopeful, thinking that only three things are standing in his way on the road to graduating. Despite the horrible pandemic ravaging the world which forced many to stay in lockdowns and quarantine, due to the situation his university stopped physical classes opting for online ones, which gave him a lot of time on his hands. At least now, he didn’t have to deal with meeting a lot of people and attending classes at ass o’clock in the morning. He actually prefers staying at the comfort of his shitty apartment, eating noodles day after day and camping out in his bed. Because of this, he can sleep all he wants and wake up to just study for his removals exam in statistics and final exam in economics; and of course he finally has the time to revise his thesis which needed comments from his adviser. Before all this, he was too busy with org works and classes, so much that he didn’t have the time to even touch his thesis. But he was too stressed out with other things that kept his plate full, so he didn’t think much of it. Now though, he has too much time to think and everything is becoming way too much.

There are times when he wakes up with the overwhelming and random need to cry. And so he does. Careful not to let his roommate hear his quiet sniffles, his tears staining his pillowcase. But after his little crying episodes, he goes back to feeling empty once again. He really thought that 2020 was going to be his year, the year he finally gets his shit together. He tried his best, and yet it still wasn’t enough. Thinking all of his shortcomings makes him want to cry again, but no tears fall.

During the first month of quarantine, he decided that he should rest a bit after a particularly stressful last weeks that caused him to have countless break downs. It was well deserved after all, and if he needed things to get done he needed a stable mental health. He sometimes took out the first draft of his thesis, an effort to somehow do something productive. As expected, nothing happened but at least he still has a few months before the semester ended to turn things around. The second month passes by quickly, Wonwoo’s sense of time and reality already gone. He didn’t even notice the days pass, with him accomplishing absolutely nothing other than trying to survive on a daily basis. After the third month of quarantine hell, he realized that he had achieved nothing, all the time at his disposal wasted. It’s not like he doesn’t try, but every time he sat in front of his laptop to start typing or researching, he suddenly gets extremely anxious and paralyzed. Most times, he only stares at the document, willing himself to do something, anything.

Now here we are in the present, Wonwoo sitting in front of his laptop screen with all the necessary files for school open and in front of him, and yet he still can’t do anything. It’s so **basic** and **easy** , just read articles, type, relearn the lessons, what’s so hard about that? He can tackle them one a time, but he still struggles to do it. He lets out an annoyed sigh, ruffling his locks and trying to yank them just to get his brain working. Is he really this useless? Almost five years in the university, and yet he still can’t do anything right. Will he ever get out of this hell hole and graduate?

Wonwoo snapped out of his ruminating and squinted his eyes at the blinding light coming from his laptop screen to check the time, indicating that it was already 4am, and that yes, he had spent his time worrying about the past, present, future and literally everything under the sun once again. He removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes, releasing a weary sigh at the thought that he wasted yet another day again. Quietly, he walked barefooted and crossed their room to the door and headed towards their apartment kitchen to get a glass of water. He leaned against the counter, his back facing their bedroom as he stared at the window, the skies slowly lighting up and changing their color, marking yet another day.

He jumped at the sudden sound of someone cursing behind him, and as he turned he found his roommate Junhui who was still half asleep and clutching his left foot on the floor.

“What…the hell are you doing there?” Wonwoo asked, voice raspy from the lack of use.

“I bumped my toe again on that cursed corner near the bedroom,” Junhui mumbled.

“This is literally the hundredth time you’ve bumped your toe there, when will you ever learn?” Wonwoo replied, leaving Junhui from his spot on the floor to make coffee.

“Yeah, you could’ve at least comforted me,” Junhui complained. “Also, did you not sleep yet? I can literally see the bags under your eyes from over here. That, and your laptop was still on.”

“I was trying to write my thesis. I may be a lost cause, but I still want to graduate you know,” Wonwoo replies as he dumps as much sugar he can in his coffee, then dropping a whole ice tray worth of ice cubes in his glass. “How about you, why are you awake? It’s like four in the morning”

Junhui stands up and follows Wonwoo in the kitchen, grabbing eggs in the fridge and grabbing a frying pan.

“Well, when I woke up you weren’t at your usual dark corner staring at your laptop screen, so I went out to see where you were. Also I’m hungry.” Junhui shrugs, “I figured I could cook for us, seeing as you’re only ingesting that godforsaken iced drink once again in exchange for actual healthy stuff. Early breakfast and all that shit.”

Wonwoo slaps Junhui at the back, “Don’t you dare disrespect iced coffee. It’s literally ambrosia, a drink fit for the gods.” He moves to the living room, lounging on one of the sofas. “Well, I’m staying nearby in case you set our apartment on fire again. Just shout if you need help.”

“I am offended!” Junhui protested, “that was _one_ time! Also, Mingyu taught me how to make a few dishes before, so I could at least do those basic stuff. At least this isn’t instant ramen again.”

Wonwoo rolls his eyes at Junhui’s dramatics when his phone suddenly buzzes in his pocket. He takes it out to check the notifications and starts scrolling mindlessly, finding a few messages from his other friends flooding his inbox. He mutes all of them and exits the social media apps, checking reddit and tumblr instead for funny cat memes.

Wonwoo knows what Junhui was doing, but he was too tired to call out his bullshit. Of course, his friends would ask Junhui to take care of him, seeing as he gave up on that a few weeks ago already. That was fine, because all that mattered to Wonwoo was his iced coffee, and nothing else. He doesn’t even know why he kept on drinking them, the caffeine useless because he feels nothing. He can sleep just fine after drinking several glasses of them.

He had a little habit of isolating himself from the world whenever things got too overwhelmingly too much for him. He deactivates some of his social media accounts, and leaves the essential ones, but still mutes the notifications. He just felt like he didn’t want to drag his friends and loved ones into whatever self-loathing episodes he’s having for the nth time, figuring that they were all probably tired of it anyways. He also wanted time to himself so that he can think and to breathe without the expectations of everyone else weighing him down. And so, the solution was to withdraw from the world, and hole up in his apartment. Except that didn’t work out too well, because Junhui was here.

Still he was thankful for his Junhui, because if he wasn’t stuck with Wonwoo especially during the quarantine, he would’ve probably died in a ditch somewhere. Despite his clinginess and overactive self, Wonwoo still appreciated him. Junhui can be a little overbearing sometimes, but he was like a human version of the moon, providing light during the darkest of nights. The man had dragged him out of bed, especially on days that it gets really bad, trying to entertain and distract Wonwoo so that he wouldn’t drown in his thoughts. He even offered to give comments on his thesis, despite the topic not being his major or expertise, willing to lend a hand every time.

So yes, he didn’t mind Junhui’s presence, Actually the eccentric boy was one of the few people that Wonwoo allows to smother him and cling on to him, despite his indifference to those kinds of stuff. He just sincerely hoped that Junhui wouldn’t get tired of him. Because as much as he lights up the black sky like a moon, his light is slowly getting obscured by Wonwoo’s darkness and he’s afraid that Junhui will leave once he gets tired of him.

__ _🌙_ __

Wonwoo woke up with a jolt, his nasty but interesting dream already fading from his memory. He reached for the bedside table, patting the surface in search for his glasses wondering what he dreamt about. Shaking his head, he pushed it to the back of his mind, sure that he would remember it later anyways, so he didn’t mind.

When he checked his phone for the time, he let out a disappointed huff, annoyed that he had wasted yet again another day. It was already five in the afternoon. He headed straight for the kitchen to make yet another class of iced coffee, trying to convince himself that he’ll start working as soon as he finished making it. The apartment was quiet, and he didn’t hear the faint annoyed noises Junhui would make, pouring all his free time in those games that he downloads on his phone. He figured that he must’ve gone out to get groceries, which he did mention this morning.

Wonwoo couldn’t understand himself. Just a few weeks ago he had a bad case of insomnia that caused him to catch only a few hours of sleep, and now he sleeps a minimum of 13 hours. He takes a lot of naps, or as Junhui likes to call it, his _depression naps_ during the afternoons, convinced that it’ll give him energy to write his thesis or study at night which was the peak time for his productivity. A few weeks ago he would be thankful at the idea that he would be getting more than three hours of sleep, but now Wonwoo wants to shout and pull his hair off his scalp because all this sleeping is snatching the hours that he could’ve been productive.

He went to retrieve his laptop from the bedroom and moved to the living room, hoping that the change of scenario would do the trick. He even searched a few motivational articles about overcoming a thesis writing slump in hopes that it’ll help his mind get in the zone. Just as he was about to type and revise a few things in his thesis, he hears the annoying ping of his phone. He checks his phone, annoyed at the disturbance and was about to mute the notifications when he saw that it was an email from his college. He debates whether he should open it or not, but he knew that it would bug him the whole time if he left it unread. So, he hesitantly opens the email, biting his lips in anxiety.

* * *

_Mr. Jeon,_

_I hope you are well._

_I would like to remind you of your remaining deficiencies. How is your Statistics subject? Was the conditional grade (4) already resolved? It not, I hope you contact your professor immediately. Please fix your other deficiencies as well, and I hope you’ve been in touch with your advisor for your thesis. The removal/completion of your grades must be accomplished on or before July 6 (which is before the faculty meeting for the approval of candidates for graduation). However, if you fail to accomplish all your deficiencies, we would be forced to remove you from the candidates for graduation and you will have to extend another semester due to failure of completion._

_Yours,_

_College Secretary_

* * *

It wasn’t an outright bad news to receive, it was just a reminder, a harsh reality check reminder, but still just a simple reminder. And yet, Wonwoo doesn’t know why he suddenly starts panicking and afraid. All of the darker emotions that he kept sealed in his heart was threatening to spill and he knows he can’t stop it.

He doesn’t know how long he stares at his cellphone screen, or how long he tries to fight the overwhelming feeling of anxiety when he starts hyperventilating. He drops the phone and curls himself into a ball, trying to contain his feelings inside.

After spending five years in the university with a supposedly four-year degree, he was already tired to the bone and his mental health had greatly suffered because of it. Whenever he opens social media, all he can see are updates of his batchmates having the time of their lives and already holding down a steady job. Meanwhile, he’s the same age as them, stuck in an overpriced apartment that his parents payed for. Some of his batchmates even told him to enjoy his college life, no matter how extended it was, because the real world was even more vicious and harder. That it was better to study than to work. But Wonwoo didn’t care, they don’t get to invalidate his feelings because they all had different circumstances. He was the eldest child, therefore he carried the responsibility of caring for his younger siblings and family, but here he was rotting in the hellhole called the university.

He’s so close to graduating, so, so close. But because of his inability to just write his damn thesis and study for his few exams, he was endangering his chance of a ticket way out the university. Sure, some would say that the few exams he had left were easy, but Wonwoo has always struggled with subjects that had numbers in them. He was more of a humanities guy, despite studying a degree with a bachelor’s in science. Which is why combined with all the stress of graduating, he’s even more scared of failing the exams and repeating the subjects, meaning he’ll have to extend for another semester. The thought of him messing up and not getting his shit together before the month ends weighs heavy in his mind, which furthers his downward spiral.

Wonwoo hated himself for being stupid. He should've forced himseld to work even harder before, accepting no as an answer. He should've pushed himself more, so that he wouldn't have to deal with all of it with only a month to spare. If only he had half the brains his classmates had, he would finally pass and eventually graduate. But since he was such a big freaking dumbass, just the thought or act of trying to start studying for those exams and writing his thesis makes him anxious.

He doesn’t notice the door to their apartment opening or the faint chattering of a few boys, before stopping once they enter the apartment. He doesn’t notice two stable hands placed on his shoulders. All he knows is that he messed up, and continually messing up, and that he can never fix any of it. Someone gently gets him to look up, and he finds his blurry eyes staring at the bright and determined eyes of Junhui. By this point he doesn’t even know what’s happening anymore, and he doesn’t notice the worried gazes thrown by Jihoon and Soonyoung. Junhui rubs his back trying to get him to sit properly so that he could breathe, whispering encouragements and comforting words, while Soonyoung and Jihoon try to massage his hands that he kept clenched a while ago. He didn’t notice that he was clenching them hard because he saw nail marks on his palms, and that he was probably having an anxiety attack. After a few minutes of the others trying to calm down Wonwoo, the storm finally passes and Wonwoo leans on Junhui, feeling tired from the whole ordeal.

Junhui was hoping to surprise Wonwoo by bringing their two other friends for dinner, and so that he can get both of his friends off his back by constantly asking him how Wonwoo was doing. He expected Wonwoo to be staring at his laptop screen or on his phone drinking his coffee, but not this. But at least they arrived at just the right time to help Wonwoo.

With the help of Soonyoung, they try to half drag, half carry him to their room and helped him on his own bed. He told Wonwoo that he can nap for a bit and that he’ll Wonwoo up once they were done cooking dinner. Wonwoo made a half-hearted joke at trying to not burn the kitchen before settling in.

Junhui knew that Wonwoo was struggling with his academics, this semester being especially hard for him since it was supposed to be his last one. But a lot was happening, and he understood how hard it was to function. He went back to the kitchen to see that Jihoon and Soonyoung were already starting on dinner, they were supposed to cook Wonwoo’s favorite to cheer him up. Jihoon was nagging at Soonyoung because he chopped some vegetables wrong and almost scorched something. Despite what just happened, Junhui chuckled to himself. Jihoon saw him approaching them and stared at him pointedly, expecting him to explain.

“Well, I told him to go to sleep for a while,” Junhui said.

“That’s it?” Jihoon asked, annoyance in his voice.

“Seriously though, I don’t know what happened,” Junhui said, exasperated. “I know as much as you do, because I’ve been out with you guys.”

“Just talk to him later, he’ll tell you anything you ask him anyways,” Soonyoung interjected. “Meanwhile, let’s get cooking!”

“What do you mean you’re gonna cook? You’ll probably set their kitchen on fire.” Jihoon replied, “Out of you two, Junhui is the better cook so just go sit at the living room or whatever”

“I’m not going to cook, but I’m certainly hanging out here to taste the food to see if you’re both doing this right,” Soonyoung teased.

__ _🌙_ __

Junhui left Jihoon and Soonyoung to finish up as he went to their room to wake up Wonwoo. As he got there, he stared at Wonwoo for a while observing how dark the circles were under his eyes, and how peaceful he looked while sleeping compared to the exhausted look he always wore when he was awake.

“I’m sorry.” Junhui almost jumped when he heard Wonwoo speak, with his eyes still closed. He was wondering if he was hearing things, but Wonwoo spoke again. “Yes, I am awake. But my eyes still hurt from crying so I’m still resting them. No, you are not hearing things.”

“Why are you sorry?” Junhui asked. Wonwoo didn’t do anything wrong. Anyone was prone to break due stress or to the pressure, it just meant that he was an actual human with emotions.

Wonwoo sat up, and looked at Junhui. “You’re the one who always has to handle my shit. I’m sorry for dumping all this heavy stuff on you. You don’t deserve it. Junhui, you’re one of those people who just shines. Not like in the way Seokmin shines like the sun—” Wonwoo rambled.

“Wow thanks, glad to think I’m not as shiny as Seokmin,” Junhui teased playfully.

Wonwoo let’s out an annoyed grunt, “Let me finish you ass. I mean, you don’t shine like Seokmin. But you glow, you glimmer. Your light is as soft and as comforting as the moon. Which actually makes so much freaking sense because that’s your last name. But I’m so afraid, that because you hang with me a lot, I also bring you down. Because of my shitty baggage, you also have to suffer because you’re my roommate so duh of course you see it. I’m afraid I might gradually cover your light by my darkness. What if I pull you down with me?”

“Please tell me you don’t mean that. I would be happy to support you and help you with whatever you’re going through because you’re someone important to me.” Junhui replied.

“Happy? You’d be way happier if you didn’t know me. I know I’m the kind of person who makes it heavy for everyone and I hate it. That’s why I try to stay away from people when I get into one of those moods. But you can’t escape me, because you live with me.” Wonwoo said exasperatedly.

“You’re one of the most important people in my life, living in a life without knowing you would actually suck.” Junhui frowned, “And whatever it is, I’m willing to help you through it. You know you can always tell me anything right? You always try to bottle it all in, that’s why sometimes it get’s too much and it explodes. That’s normal. You don’t have to feel sorry or ashamed for being human.”

Wonwoo nodded, actually feeling somehow relieved. He never knew how Junhui felt with all of his bad episodes and general emo disposition. He was about to think about many other possibilities again when Junhui interrupted his thoughts.

“Okay, but let’s eat something first. We cooked your favorite meal. Jihoon and Soonyoung must be finished setting the table.” Junhui informed, grabbing his arms and practically dragging him out of his bed.

As soon as the door opens, he can already smell the amazing smell waft through the apartment, feeling his body relax as his mind conjured up comforting thoughts because of the familiar smell.

“Sleeping beauty finally awakes.” Soonyoung greets from the dining table.

Wonwoo flushes, a bit embarrassed that all of them had to see his episode earlier this evening.

“If you’re thinking about us judging you from earlier, you’re stupid.” Jihoon said, not looking at him from his spot at the table.

“What Jihoon meant to say,” Junhui interjected “Is that you can trust us and that we’re always here for you. So you shouldn’t isolate yourself and carry all your problems alone.”

Wonwoo smiles at them as he sits beside Jihoon. Just like that, they no longer acknowledge the earlier episode, knowing that Wonwoo was feeling better already. Soonyoung instead jokes around while they eat, recounting how he found a huge rat in his dance studio. Jihoon then elbows him for talking about rats while they eat, and Soonyoung pouts which earns a laugh from Junhui.

After dinner and cleaning up their mess, Soonyoung and Jihoon bid them goodbye. They were supposed to stay the night but apparently there was an emergency at their apartment, something involving a rat and Chan crying at the phone saying he was stuck on their counter. Junhui heads to bed first, knowing that Wonwoo will once again stay up during the ungodly hours of the morning. He later receives a message from Jihoon telling him that Jeonghan agreed to help him study for his Economics exam, and that Jisoo was willing to proofread his thesis and give comments and insights.

He silently thanks God for his friends and heads back to the living room to attempt doing his schoolwork once again. He felt motivated and inspired because despite him being a shitty student, his friends were still willing to help him. Wonwoo locked his phone and turned to his laptop to start working. He noticed a glass of iced coffee near his laptop with a note.

_When walking on the dark night roads, don’t worry. You will be the galaxy that lights up the darkness -_ _🌙_

**Author's Note:**

> Yes the title was inspired by Day6's song, but I didn't realize I would use it until I had finish writing this. Just a random fic I wrote at 3am. Also, I didn't proofread this so please let me know if I made any mistakes! Thank you!
> 
> edit: omg SVT released "Us, Again" and used the HTR quotes as lyrics 😭


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